1. Wear this vest:
I think the evolution of many green-minded conservationists involves a reggae-listening, non-conformist, I buy all my clothes from op shops phase. I went through this phase while living in London and I’m sorry to inform you that this vest was worn in public. Mostly to reggae music festivals, where upon reflection I am guessing others must have assumed I was dressed up as a clown and on my way to a circus. Happy to say the vest has not been worn for a number of years now.
2. Internet dating
It goes without saying why I won’t even need to do this, d’uh I’m married, yes I know. However, for the sake of the post hear me out. A few years back I lived in a share house. My two female housemates were both actively dating what seemed liked gazillions of eligible men via an apparently reputable internet dating site. After some coercing (and a few date-free months) I agreed and signed up to “the Grid”, as we called it. What ensued was either creeps going straight for the kill, or really, really awkward cups of coffee and me making up an excuse to leave early. And then came the day when I was matched with the fourth occupant of my share house, a man obviously. It was awkies in the house to the max after that one let me tell you. We eventually laughed about it thankfully. The Grid was not for me.
3. Fall for a beauty gimmick, e.g. toxin sucking pads you stick on the bottom of your feet when you sleep. Refer exhibit A:
These things were gross! If you’ve ever used them you’d be aware of the greeny-black slime that appears to have been sucked out of the soles of your feet. There was a time in my life when I would have fallen for anything the was going to make me thinner, younger looking or healthier with no effort at all. What’s hilarious is that I would stick these on my feet when I’d get home after a night on the turps and think it might reduce my hangover the next day. I can confidently say it never worked.
4. Forget to delete photos of my boobs off my phone
It happened a few times. I’d be flicking through the photos showing people pictures of my daughter, or Mr G would be showing a friend photos on my phone. Cue: full frontal breastfeeding photo or ulcerated nipple (a result of breast feeding).
5. Have a hangover that lasts longer than it takes to make a cup of coffee
My wedding in July this year was the first night I really let my hair down. It took me almost 72 hours to recover. And to be honest, I really didn’t have that much to drink. Not compared to how much I’d drink on a Before Kids party night. My poor liver just can’t deal with it these days. And toddlers don’t stop – they don’t understand that mummy doesn’t feel well, and then the guilt kicks in. Negatives far outweigh the buzz as far as I’m concerned. For the moment anyway.
6. Eat low fat ice cream or any low fat dairy product
With the exception of some low fat milk, low fat dairy is simply wrong. Everything in moderation. And you can SO tell the difference.
7. Watch “Toddlers & Tiaras”
Holy crap – have you seen this show? It is an abomination! I love a good trashy TV show (self-confessed The Only Way Is Essex fan #towieforlife) but this show is just terrible. It’s a train crash that you can’t look away from with open mouth, wide eyes and infrequent gasping as the horror of mid-west America, parading young girls around like prize cows at the fair.
And finally, last but not least…
8. Have a Brazilian wax
Do I need to explain why? Muff said. (LOL! See what I did there?!)
So, now it’s your turn – what do you never need to do again?