I caught up with a girlfriend the other day. I wanted to get her opinion on a few things. I told her about my new business idea. She looked at me doubtfully, rolled her eyes and asked “Really? Do you think that’s going to work? Why would you be successful at something others have failed at?” I told her that I was worried about my eldest son and his lack of respect. “What do you expect?” she countered “you aren’t exactly mother of the year.” I told her about my guilt over placing my baby in day care so that I could make a go of something new and exciting. “So you should feel guilty,” she said “I don’t know why you are even giving up time you could spend with him to chase some unlikely dream“.So, she’s a bit of a bitch my friend. Except she’s not my friend. She’s me.
This is they way I talk to myself. If my friends or husband spoke to me like this all the time, I would be appalled, reduced to tears and I think I would stand up for myself. If someone spoke to my kids like that, I would protect them. If anybody talked to some one I cared about like that, I would pull them up. The friends that I have caught up with about my business ideas and parenting concerns have been supportive and wonderful. My husband keeps telling me just to go for it, and let my worries rest.
Yet despite the rallying cries of family and friends, I don’t stop myself from negative self-talk. Often, I don’t even question it. I don’t step up and say “Enough! This is not helpful“. Instead I try to push those thoughts away, often feeling as though I am holding back a relentless tide. I try to ignore the inner bitch, fingers in ears and singing “lalalala“. It isn’t working too well.
The inner bitch is at her malicious finest when I am tired, when I am overwhelmed and exhausted. She tends to shut up when I feel energised, focussed and happy. But it always feels like she is lurking – waiting for the shadows.
Perhaps the bitch and I need to duke it out. Maybe I need to face her head on and ask her what her problem is. I don’t think there is anything wrong with playing devils advocate. Being objective and injecting practicality into dreams turns them into reality. But when the devil bursts your dreams with negativity, before they even have time to take off, some thing is wrong. My she-devil wields a big pin, pricking my dreams as she goes.
So bitchy she-devil, this is me, telling you to stop it. You can bring practical advice, you can bring a different view point but I am through with you bringing me down. From herein, I am going to ask you some questions: Is what you are saying valuable? Is what you are saying helpful? Is what you are saying even true? If not, I am going to show you the door. I am going to show myself some kindness. And that will allow me a better platform to show kindness to others.
Oh yeah, I sure do! Only he is called Mr Les Muppet. I wrote a post about the heckler. Only I don’t show him the door… I let him sit there and sulk and make him come along for the ride while I’m doing all the things he says I can’t… that way I don’t berate myself for letting him creep back in to his position on the couch in my head. I know he’ll always be there and I just have to remind myself that I’m in charge of his volume dial and how loud his voice penetrates. Great questions to ask yourself. Xx
Thanks Sandra – I loved that post (I know you are too polite to link it, but I will 🙂 ) We just have to stay in control of our respective demons/muppets.
That’s really sweet of you, thank you. Love what you and Sarah are doing here Xx
Man, you have totally nailed it. That bitchy “friend” lives inside all of us – she definitely does in me anyway! Good on you for finding a way to at least neutralise those negative thoughts.
PS. You will be AWESOME in your new business. I’d love to catch up and see where you;re up to with it all!
Aw thanks. I think we all have to deal with it someway or another. I wonder if men have the same problem? I’d LOVE to catch up and get your opinion – Robyna May Consulting – is where it’s at.
Slowly but surely I am kicking my inner bitch out of my life. The only area she still sticks her nose in is my parenting but now I’m thinking about it im not sure it’s an inner bitch talking or if it’s just self doubt bought on by patenting four kids on my own for massive chunks of time…. That’s something for me to ponder.
Self doubt. Mother guilt. Inner Bitches. It’s a wonder we mothers get anything done! I think you are amazing doing what you do with your family.
I have a bitch of a ‘friend’ too but I’m getting better at ignoring her. Love this post so much! We must be kinder to ourselves but not many others are, sad but true xx
Thanks so much Emily. We really do need to be kinder to ourselves – lays a solid foundation to be kind to those around us.
I go through stages with my bitch of a friend. I would like to say it’s a bit of a love hate relationship but honestly it’s all hate, hate, hate and something I’m working on. Great post.
Seems like something a lot of us struggle with. Thank you so much for popping by – love your blog!
Oh my word! I love this so much. I have a raging inner bitch, and I don’t know how to shut her up. I struggle with the same things it sounds like. I’ve been debating about making some changes in our parenting approach in order to make a little time for me to pursue my dreams, and that bitch has me frozen to the ground. Thank you for this. I’m going to try to deal with her.
It doesn’t matter which way we turn – that mother guilt just eats us up. When I was working full time, I had it big time, and being at home with kids it’s still stalking me. Good luck dealing with that inner bitch.
She has power this inner bitch doesn’t she?? I find she is louder when I am struggling to get through some days so I try to take a proactive approach and kick her to the kerb early – get sleep, eat ok, at least think about exercise etc…
Definitely – I think once we start treating our bodies and our minds kindly, she has less power.
We are so much meaner to ourselves than we would be to other people huh? Funny post 🙂
Yep, it doesn’t make a lot of sense does it? There is this great bit in old Sex & The City episode where Carrie is beating herself up and Miranda says “Ease up, that’s my friend you are talking about”
Yes! I am taking part in a great opportunity at the moment, that I am learning a lot from, but is also really hard and different from anything I’ve known before. So my inner critic is up in arms! Constantly challenging me and making me feel less-than, eroding my self-confidence. But I have done enough ‘work on myself’ and positivity to know that I could choose to listen to her and give up on my dream, or keep pushing through, which was what will set me apart in the end. SO hard though!! Please don’t give up on your dream!
When people used to tell me you can be your own worst enemy when setting up a business, or trying anything new, I didn’t understand what that meant. But the mental gymnastics I have put myself through lately! I really get it. Good luck with your new opportunity – sounds so exciting.
I have a whole clique of bitches in my head – the ultimate mean girls! My latest way of dealing with them (ad of yesterday ;)) is to look at them like they are just silly little girls and would I be upset by a bunch of silly little girls? NO! So I will not give that bunch in my head any power over me either xx
Excellent advice! Imagine what we can achieve when we just step out of the way of ourselves?
Yep – my bitch sure is snarky. But I’m also getting a ‘superhero’ persona who thinks I can do anything. Somewhere in between the bitch who judges and the superhero who dreams big is ME, trying to have faith in my abilities and believe in my dreams.
It’s about the balance isn’t it? But I do think I need to get me one of those inner super hero types!