The Challenge: Regaining Intimacy

Regaining the intimacy challenge

This month I am focussing on something that can be a bit hard to talk about, but I think is really important: regaining intimacy after having children.

For those of us who have recently (or not so recently) had children, romance and intimacy may feel like a thing of the past. This month I want to explore rekindling the home fires. If you are at that stage, I’d love you to explore this with me.  I will be talking kindness (to yourself and your partner), feeling sexy again and intimacy after babies (gulp!)

The challenge this month is to focus on your relationship – just spending a little more time here and there on each other. Here are some ideas, one for each day of the month, to bring some sexy back. No need to do all of them – and not all of them may appeal to you – it’s just to give you (and me!) some inspiration. I would love to hear your ideas on stoking the romantic fires after having babies.

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  1. Arrange a date at home on evening. Plan to have the kids in bed and spend an evening with your partner. It might be dinner, it might be a DVD – but spend time with each other.
  2. Do something that makes you feel good. A massage, a manicure, coffee with a friend, a trip to the hair dresser – something just for you.
  3. Talk about what did you used to do as a couple before kids? What is holding you back after kids?
  4. Have some fun with friends and organise a double or group date.
  5. Wear some sexy (or at the very least matching) under-things.
  6. Compliment your partner.
  7. Do something a little special for your partner.
  8. Text your partner something nice (or naughty).
  9. Have an honest conversation with your girlfriends about how they bring the magic back to their relationships.
  10. Plan romance, plan dates, plan time – it doesn’t sound very romantic or spontaneous, but if you don’t it won’t happen.
  11. Most women I know (including myself) dress for other women or they dress to please themselves. Make a conscious decision to dress for you partner. Wear an outfit you know he likes. If your partner gets a bit hot when you wear something sporty – wear that.  It all sounds a bit 1950s housewife, but you are doing this not because society says you have to but because you want to do something nice for your partner.
  12. Or try something a little outside your comfort zone to feel sexy: maybe a burlesque class, belly dancing or even pole dancing. I have tried both belly dancing and pole dancing and it IS a lot of fun. Just taking time out to laugh at yourself can be liberating. You can check out some classes at V Sassy Academy in Brisbane.
  13. Tell your partner what you want – they aren’t a mind reader. If you want to know they think you’re beautiful you need to tell them. And it still counts when they tell you are beautiful after prompting.
  14. Turn off the TV one night. Just see where it leads.
  15. Do something kind for your partner.
  16. Write your partner a love letter or just a little love note.
  17. Organise a night or day out for your partner with his mates or doing something he likes.
  18. Kiss.  Just kiss.
  19. Offer baby-sitting to a couple friend.  Hope they return the favour.
  20. Go on an old fashioned date.
  21. Go for a walk together and hold hands.
  22. The lovely Pip from Meet Me At Mike’s has this great thing called Taking Stock.  You can read more about it here. Sarah used it with her hubby as a way of checking in with each other whilst he was working FIFO. (Awwwww!) You and your partner can use it in the same way.
  23. Sit down together and both write down 10 things you love about your partner and 5 you are struggling with (or whatever numbers make sense to you – keep the positives higher than the negatives). Talk about it openly and without judgement.
  24. Go through an old album together – perhaps a great trip you took together or a wedding album.
  25. Try to arrange a sleep-in morning for you both – with no pressure to do anything but sleep. If you cannot arrange baby-sitting, allow each other a sleep-in morning and have definite rules about how long it lasts. Note to husbands everywhere: 7AM is not a sleep-in, even if the kids have been up since 5.
  26. Do something together that will make you both laugh – a movie, an evening at a comedy club, a TV show that cracks you both up.
  27. Slow dance.
  28. Read some erotic fiction – either together or by yourself. BTW There’s loads out there better than Fifty Shades.
  29. Watch some porn with your partner – you might learn something that could reignite some passion. Websites like have a range of content.
  30. Talk your partner up to a friend – I always love it when I hear people speak glowingly and lovingly about their partners.
  31. Catch up on some sleep (if you can). Seriously, if you are so tired that you can barely keep your eyes open, that has to come first. This too shall pass.

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Do you have any other ideas?

6 thoughts on “The Challenge: Regaining Intimacy

  1. rachelfaithcox says:

    Such great ideas! Sometimes when you feel like you’ve nurtured enough during the day, it’s hard to turn around and nurture your partner, too. For us though, this was the turning point that helped us back into a more intimate state of affairs. He needed me to give him half an hour of undivided cuddle attention (there’s still some little boy inside that big man frame of his!). He also needed to hear that I think he does an awesome job of providing for all of us. When I make time for these things, he makes more of an effort to do all the things that matter to me.
    Our kids are well past the baby stage (yay!) and I am happy to say that we’re still into each other even after all the hard years. Hang in there Mummies of little ones!

    • Robyna says:

      Thanks so much for this! I think the little kid stage is definitely a tricky one with regards to intimacy. I also think that we get touched and nurtured out and that can tend to make us withdraw from our partners – when that IS a place we can actually draw some nurturing for ourselves. More about that later in the month!

  2. Heike Herrling says:

    Love this topic! Oh, I really love #29 on this list. It’s so easy, when out with galfriends for everyone to fall into the trap of having a whinge about hubbies. Consciously thinking of nice things to say about them is a great habit to form!
    My father-in-law married my hubby and I (because he’s a pastor) and the one thing we both really remember him saying in the ceremony was that it’s so important to make 15 minutes a day to chat together, without interruption – it might just be to make a cup of tea and sit and drink and chat together – nothing fancy – just a commitment to making a habit of catching up. I think it’s so important. I know it seems hard when life is so busy – but sacrificing 15 minutes of sleep for a healthy marriage every day is SO worth it!

    • Robyna says:

      I really love it when I hear people compliment their partners (when their partners are out of ear shot) – it’s such a beautiful reflection on their relationship. That’s such great advice – to really spend time with each other and not lose sight of each other in the whirl of life.

  3. I'm Sarah says:

    I loved all of these. I found that my road back to intimacy was a pretty fraught one due to post natal depression, but once I got past that (about a year or so), I got back into the swing of things. Now, as one of our children has already flown the nest and as one prepares to leave, we find ourselves in a different stage of life and, actually, rather than being a tired old pair, we are finding a renewed vigour for each other – which is somewhat lovely. We definitely don’t talk about this enough. Thanks so much for posting xx

    • Robyna says:

      Thanks so much Sarah – the emotions following pregnancy and birth are complicated and need to be treated with care and gentleness. So many mothers have post natal depression yet it tends to be portrayed about as an unlikely occurrence in the lead up to birth. All things we need to talk about. And I am so glad that you and your hubby are at that stage – quite looking forward to that myself!

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