The weight has returned. The tide of grief has surged. It just took a little thing. Maybe a little thing. I don’t know yet how big this thing is. But it was enough. Enough to disturb the equilibrium. Enough to tip the first domino and scatter a carefully crafted kind of inner peace. Grief is like that. It only takes the smallest pull to unravel you.
So I’m back here. Back where I feel like I’m constantly fighting tears. Back where I need to coach myself through every moment. You can do this. You can do this. Back to the place where I look at my living children and my heart swells so unexpectedly large that it hurts. Back to the fear that they will be ripped away and I’ll bury them too. Back to the places of doubt and hurt and anger. Places I have tried so desperately to leave.
My eldest son broke his arm recently. The cast comes off today. It should have healed, a callus will have formed over the fracture. But he will have to be careful still. A sudden jolt, an unexpected bump could set him back. So it is with my callus protected heart.
It’s the unexpected jolts that sending me reeling.
On Friday my family will celebrate my middle son’s birthday. My mother and sister will make prayer flags with me. My eldest will stand at assembly on his brother’s behalf when they ask about the birthdays celebrated that week. My boys, my husband and I will go out to dinner together. Somewhere during the day I will visit my son’s neglected gravesite. Some friends will remember and let me know they remember. It will be gentle. Hopefully.
Carefully laid plans. Protective and expected. Honouring and reflective. The way I want my relationship with my son gone-too-soon to be going forward. The grief people call beautiful and brave. Not the ugly, painful, gut-wrenching, messy and terrible grief. The grief I want to leave behind.
I just wish I knew how to stop the jolts from sending me back.
Have you experienced deep grief?
How do you handle anniversaries, birthdays and the inevitable set back into difficult grief?
Oh darling, my thoughts and prayers are with you today and this month of June. I can not imagine the pain. I only know what it is to love a child. To have that child snatched away… the thoughts are too painful to contemplate. March will be our sad month for our family with the loss of my nephew. Sending love to you. xxx
Bec Senyard recently posted…In The Waiting
Thanks Bec. I often think of your little nephew. I wish life was a little fairer.
I don’t think you can ever stop the jolts. That’s the way grief works. It’s always there, and never leaves. It can be pushed aside for a time, but will always rear again, because who you lost was so important. And continues to be so. I hope you can resettle peacefully after the event. Hugs to you.
Lydia C. Lee recently posted…Never look backwards or you’ll fall down the stairs. Rudyard Kipling
Thanks Lydia. I know you are right xxx
Robyna recently posted…The terrible weight of June
Sending you a virtual hug!
Ingrid @ Fabulous and Fun Life recently posted…SHARE By Curtis Stone dining & Lotus Spa pampering onboard the Sun Princess
Thank you xxx
Robyna recently posted…The terrible weight of June
Oh love- grief is okay. Don’t fight the tears if they need to come. It’s part of the process. It doesn’t go away- you learn to live with it and it becomes part of who you are. I wrote this piece on my experience of grief- I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but this is how it is for me- http://www.handbagmafia.net/grief-like-a-hole-in-the-heart/ Sending huge hugs xxx
Thanks Amy. I think you’re right. I need to stop with the strong act all the time and allow the tears if they are coming.
Oh lovely I read this in bed at 6am this morning with my three babies in bed with me, nearly pushing me out of it, and my heart ached for you. Be kind to you and love and light always. xxxx
Em @ Have A Laugh On Me recently posted…News story: A mum’s shocking road rage incident on the Gold Coast’s M1
Thanks dear Em. I am so grateful for my living boys (even when they crowd the bed, as all kids do).
It’s been August for me for the past 14 years, as I watch my brother and sister-in-law deal with their daughter’s death, my niece. Every year that month of grief becomes slightly, ever so slightly, shorter. Thinking of you.
Melinda @ United States of Mama recently posted…End of term Shit Storms
I think it has gotten easier. There is just a larger gap between normal and the grief around hard dates. Not an easy road for anybody. Love to you and your family.
I don’t know what words to give to you so I am going to send love, light and prayers to you this month. Be gentle with yourself Mumma x
Thank you. Love and light, prayers and thoughts are so appreciated this month.
I don’t think you can do any more than you do now – acknowledge the jolts.
Vanessa recently posted…All The (minor) Funks
You are right. I probably need to give myself a break really.
Oh I am so so sorry you have had to know that pain. All I know is that grief does not have a timeline. You never just get over it. But I do hope that over time the jolts become less frequent. Sending lots of love and strength. I can’t imagine what you’re going through xoxo
Kez @ Awesomely Unprepared recently posted…Comment on The Happy List #43 by Kez @ Awesomely Unprepared
Thanks dear Kez. I’ve gotten pretty good at containing my emotions, but I suppose I need to accept that it’s not always possible.
Robyna, my heart goes out to you. Sending you love and support during this incredibly difficult time. I can not even imagine. I’m glad you have a great support network around you xx
I do and I am very grateful for it.
Sending love, light, prayers and blessings – a beautiful reflection. I’m so sorry for your loss, four years ago and today xx
Thank you so much Josefa. Light and love are what have seen me through.
There are no words Robyna that can bring you any comfort, for surely no comfort can come from losing a child, an event that is not meant to happen – no parent should ever have to bury their child. All I can offer is my love, from the bottom of my soul. My own experience has taught me that grief never really does leave us, it is just that we learn to live with it, some days better than others. I’ve learned to sit with the tears, let them flow. I believe my body and soul needs that. Perhaps it is the same with you. Sending you lots of love in this most difficult time to you and your family xx
Sarah : Sarah’s Heart Writes recently posted…Stream of consciousness
I think you are right. I think I need to more okay with the tears and just let them flow.
Thoughts and love are with you and your beautiful boy. You’ve written so eloquently on this topic before, and your anguish comes through in every post. Some grief is just impossible to heal. Please take care of yourself x
hugzilla recently posted…How to Kick Mummy Judgement in the Crotch… With SWAGGER
Thank you. I will try. I seem to apply the balm of busy-ness to this time of year.
My heart is with you gorgeous girl. There is no explanation why terrible things happen to every day people. You are always so strong, so positive and so amazing. Big hugs this month.
Natalie @ Our Parallel Connection recently posted…If your kids read what you wrote online, they would be embarrassed?
Thank you. I really do try to see the brighter side of things, but I suppose it’s okay once in a while to let the darkness in.
Oh man, that was tough to read whilst being pregnant. I feel for you so much. Every night before I close my eyes I pray that God will keep this baby inside my belly safe and healthy – because we really have no say over this. I can’t imagine how the loss of a child could get any easier xox
Shari from GoodFoodWeek recently posted…Recipe: Salmon mousse
It does ease, but birthdays I think will always be hard.
Oh mate, I know that terrible pendulum.
We’ll be thinking of you and the May family on Friday and remembering Xavier.
I wish he was with you, blowing out four candles.
A xx
Amanda @ Cooker and a Looker recently posted…thai corn cakes
It just sucks, because even when you’re okay, you know that you are so very close to not being okay. I wish neither of us knew it so well.
Thank you for writing this Robyna and allowing others to share your story and grief. I don’t know what to say and I wish I did because I want to tell you that you are brave, that you have suffered more than any mum should and I just want to give you a big hug. I will shed a quiet little tear for the boy you have lost, for the life that could have been and for the heartache that is left in your family. Big love xoxoxoxo
Thanks Bron. It’s not an easy time but all the lovely comments and support really do mean a lot and help so much.
My heart really goes out to you. Grief pulls the rug from under you, just as you have described. To grieve the loss of your son, and his short life is a grief that there is little resolution for, there is no salve to losing a child, especially not for one as young as your Xavier. But part of honouring his beautiful soul and his brief visit in your life is going with your unraveling, going with your broken heart and the pain of his absence. He was here, he made his way in to your soul and left his little footprints on your heart, so he is part of you – all those hard emotions that come with that are part of your relationship with him, and the love that you have. I hope your pain is not prolonged. Sending you and your family much love. xx
Collette recently posted…How to Learn Resilience If You’re A Grown Up
Thank you Collette – it does get easier each year, but the distance between my normal and the pain around “his dates” gets wider too. Which is hard as well.
Sending a truckfull of love and thoughts to you and your precious boy hun. xx
Thanks Sonia. xxx
I cannot even begin to imagine…..Sending you much love and hugs.
Sarah @sarahdipity recently posted…My Scoliosis Story- Part Two
Thank you Sarah – it means a lot.
It’s okay not to be okay – and I recently learned (from listening to a ‘Let it be’ podcast) that it’s also okay to be JUST okay. Be kind to you Robyna… go gently. Xx
Being okay with not being okay, is definitely something I have to learn (and re-learn it seems).
Wishing you strength and sending you hugs to get through June and particularly this Friday. X
Kathy recently posted…Creativity – not like pulling teeth
Oh thank you Kathy xxx
just read your blog my darling girl, I wish I could take your sorrow onto myself to make it easier on you. thinking about you and Xavier.
Thanks Mum. Big hugs to you too – I know it’s not just me that grieves.
I don’t think the jolts ever quite go away. They just get less frequent as time goes on. Sometimes I’ll be cruising along for ages, and then out of the blue, something reminds me, and it’s just as raw as it ever was.
Even the distance of time hurts sometimes – how much you’ve changed, all the things that have happened since they died.
This is a strange time of year for me. All of my happiest and saddest things have happened in winter. The deaths of my parents and grandparents, the birth of my children, my wedding anniversary, my birthday and my husbands. I often feel like I’m on a roller coaster of happy and sad. I’m glad for the jolts now though. So much time has passed since I lost my mum, but I’m glad that I can still feel it, like she still means so much. I’ve carried grief with me for most of my adult life, and I’m not sure who I’d be without it.
Sending you love and kind thoughts for this difficult month. X
I think it does become a part of you doesn’t it? Thank you for your love and kindness.
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