The problem with yelling

The other day I yelled at my kids. Not a garden-variety yell. A screech. A holler. A roar. The kind of yelling that reverberates around the house and continues to echo in corridors of guilt. The kind of yelling that the neighbours will talk about (three doors down). The kind of yelling that leaves your throat hoarse and every time you swallow you are reminded of your parenting failure. The kind of yelling that stops a child in their tracks. In fear.

yelling at your kids

This is the problem with that kind of yelling. It works. 

My seven year old stopped what he was doing immediately and looked crestfallen. The Pokemon go cards, lego, tv show or whatever it was he was doing fell away as a priority. The survival instinct kicked in — I could almost see the change in his eyes. The priority became returning mummy back to mummy and pacifying the creature before him. There was a moment where I could see him choosing between crying and just getting dressed. Why do I have to raise my voice to get you to do the simplest thing?  He (wisely) chose just to get dressed.

I don’t lose my cool often. But when I do, the decibels are impressive. Things mount. Pressure builds. Fatigue sets in. And even though I am completely aware of what I am doing, the tiger escapes. Pounces on my kids and leaves them rattled. All of us rattled. There is always a sense of calm afterwards. The kids terrified into behaving. Me feeling guilty and relieved to have let the pressure escape. Everyone is saccharine sweet to each other in an effort to restore equilibrium. But it shouldn’t take yelling to get us there.

I hate myself after these outbursts. Loathe myself. What kind of monster scares her children? What kind of  example am I setting? How can I expect my kids to regulate their emotions when I don’t do it myself? I beat myself up and occasionally a little kindness comes in. Reminding myself that I am human. That my kids need to realise that they can only push so far before people break. That all of it is part of the human experience and no-one is perfect. I try to console myself that even when I completely lose control, the words themselves are not hurtful. I don’t hurl abuse. I hurl frustrations.

I know that this isn’t helpful behaviour. There are plenty of articles out there admonishing me for yelling — it’s just as bad as spanking. There are plenty of articles out there that will tell me about alternatives. The truth is I know those alternatives already. 90% of the time I can do it. I just don’t know that I can hold myself to that standard of parenting, day in, day out. I want to be a perfect parent. I don’t want to yell at my kids. I want there to be a consistent standard of behaviour and a consistent approach to implementing it. I also want a beautifully tidy house, a satisfying job, a healthy lifestyle, a brilliant marriage and a fabulous creative life. It’s a lot of pressure isn’t it?

Pressure that builds and needs release and sometimes finds the unfortunate target in my kids. So maybe the answer is just to calm down. About all of it.

 

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Do you yell at your kids?
How do you feel about it?

 

Linking up with Kylie Purtell – Capturing Life and IBOT 

52 thoughts on “The problem with yelling

  1. Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit says:

    I rarely yell, but when I do I’m quite shocked by the volume myself. And the problem is, when I let it out I find it hard to rein it back in. It’s like an explosion that takes a very conscious effort to plug back up again. The last time I yelled like that was about 6 weeks ago at the dogs (when they ripped up the trampoline netting … the neighbours must have thought I was murdering someone … I am surprised the police didn’t turn up). As for the kids, it hasn’t happened in years. But yeah, it works …
    Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit recently posted…Day 2497 – The Crying RoomMy Profile

    • Robyna says:

      I think sometimes we just need the release. I am sure there are better ways, but it’s hard once you get going and the rage feels good in that bad way.

  2. Lydia C. Lee says:

    My thing with this, is why does the simplest thing that needs to be done daily have to turn into a long drawn out argument? Yes it’s bad to yell but why don’t people just do what needs to be done without 10 million reminders each day? Not saying yelling is right but it’s a 2 way street usually….
    Lydia C. Lee recently posted…You can’t stop my shine, not today.My Profile

  3. Sarah says:

    Thanks for sharing Robyna. So many people pretend but so glad you’re real ?. Parenting is hard work especially when you need to be somewhere and they’re not ready or the fighting or the backchat or the….it’s endless. ?

  4. Amy @ HandbagMafia says:

    Not often but yes, I have yelled like that. Sometimes I’m exhausted from shift work, frustrated, stressed and out it comes. I do feel badly and I do apologise, not that that negates it. Everyone gets angry. I can usually reign it in quickly. I do wish the kids would just do the basic things they are asked without it turning into a constant battle, though!
    Amy @ HandbagMafia recently posted…The Thermomix DivideMy Profile

  5. Min@WriteoftheMiddle says:

    I think you’ve just described a moment all of us have experienced. I recall many times I lost my cool and yelled at the kids. I felt bad too but it happened and they are adults now and just fine. No long term effects! I think they need to know there are limits to how far they can push Mum! 😉

  6. cate says:

    I spoke to a school counsellor about my teen’s behaviour, and asked him directly if he ever lost his cool even though he knew better. “Of course,” he said “I’m only human” It was nice to know that even the experts stuff up sometimes.
    cate recently posted…Hello MondayMy Profile

  7. Natalie @ Our Parallel Connection says:

    I think I yelled more when my kids were little,now I swear t get the reaction I need. I know it’s not right but after asking countless, thankless times, I resort to the shock factor to get things done. I look at this as normal behaviour and nothing your kids will ever remember. Do you remember the times you were yelled at as a kid? I know I don’t and I was a pretty mischievous kid. #teamIBOT
    Natalie @ Our Parallel Connection recently posted…Is the desire for the perfect body destroying our children. My Profile

    • Robyna says:

      I can only remember once when Dad really lost it, but I’m quite sure they did it more that once – and you’re right – it’s all part of living together and seeing each other warts and all.

  8. Melinda @ United States of Mama says:

    I’m a yeller. I have the strategies to ensure I don’t yell but after a door has been slammed eight times in as many minutes because the wind is blowing and the children are going in and out (just one example) those strategies are completely tossed out the window and afterwards I wonder what the neighbours say about my ability to yell. Really loud. I don’t think anyone feels good about it. But sometimes it just erupts.
    Melinda @ United States of Mama recently posted…Getting older, needles and spilt milkMy Profile

  9. Nicole @ The Builder's Wife says:

    I yell, I swear and I rant and rave. Sometimes I feel deeply ashamed, other times I accept that this is how it is. Sometimes it works really well, other times I can see how distressed my children have become. I think you are talking about the normal frustration that comes with being a parent. I know I experienced being yelled at, as a child and I am ok. xx

      • Virginia says:

        Yep little expectations raising your children pretty much on your own( as girls relate better to their mother than fathers). caring for you grandparents as your mother and father both had fulltime jobs, vice president and treasure of the school P&C,part time student two to three nights a week.yep easy ,yep I yelled and cried, took many cold showers and escaped in my mind to calmer times spent in the boat sailing up the Noosa river or surfing on my board just me and the sea. Being a parent raising, the next generation of valuable, caring and loving adults, is not and never has been easy, we have not done this hiding in bomb shelters, hunting for food in the forests, swapping your family jewellery for food and clothing or wood to burn so you could bath once a week. Moving to a new country to escape from being the wrong nationality in the wrong war torn country. These are the things our grandparents dealt with while trying to raise their children.

        • Robyna says:

          Thanks Mum – that’s very true and it’s great to have perspective. At the same time — I think the pressure & judgement has just mounted as lives have gotten much easier. It’s like what we talked about that other day – nowadays there is ONE right way and hell to anyone who doesn’t fit that mould.

  10. Josefa says:

    The yelling debate is a guilt ridden one. I am getting much better and it takes effort. But the one time my youngest kicked a soccer ball and it hit my most valued vase, all in the rush of trying to get out the door to catch an international flight – well I yelled. No one was happy, there were tears from both of us – but you know what? The tension/crazy eased instantly after that….go figure….
    Josefa recently posted…The Seven Year Text MessageMy Profile

  11. Emily says:

    Sometimes – just sometimes, sure, but still sometimes – the kids just need to know that they have crossed the line, too many times in a row, and mum has nothing left. I know exactly what you mean and exactly how you feel. x
    Emily recently posted…Father’s Day simplifiedMy Profile

  12. JF Gibson says:

    Been there, many times (too many times), and each time I feel a wave of guilt and sorrow for doing so. But, you know what? I’m a human. I experience emotions on all levels of the spectrum. It doesn’t mean I’m proud of it, but I try not to beat myself up about it too much either. It doesn’t happen often, and when it does it’s, as you say, the built up pressure of just day to day parenting. We all have moments like this. xx
    JF Gibson recently posted…Don’t wait. The perfect time never comes.My Profile

  13. Trish says:

    I’m glad it’s not just me that puts fear into my boys when I yell. I wish I didn’t too but sometimes in the heat of the moment I let it all out.
    I decided to use passcodes on the ipads to cut down my yelling since it was 90% related to them ignoring me while playing , engrossed in a game or dallying getting ready for school or bed etc. or fighting over said ipad games.
    It has helped.

  14. Vicki @ Knocked Up and Abroad says:

    You have articulated this all so beautifully. The tiger is released here a bit at the minute. When the season is one of continuous exhaustion, challenges, disobedience and pressure. I roar and then cry, full of guilt and ugly feels about my mothering. It’s something I have to work on and give myself little pep talks regularly.

  15. Kathy says:

    I totally sympathise Robyna. There is this tension between guilt and settling. I feel always guilty as as mother (and particularly as an adoptive mother) yet I also know I’m doing my best. I choose to believe that others’ experience is more about who we are now, than our past or future selves. Love is always possible.

  16. Karin @ Calm to Conniption says:

    I was only just thinking this myself. I don’t really yell often but when I do I get the directive that I want. Staying at my in-laws at the moment and the kids are running rampant. I lost it trying to get everyone in the car yesterday. I thought it was just me and the kids but looked up and my MIL was beside us hanging the clothes out. Eeeck!
    Karin @ Calm to Conniption recently posted…Travel With Kids: Mini Zoo Keepers at Werribee Open Range ZooMy Profile

  17. Kathy says:

    Hey Robyna – I’m looking at my comment from last night (when I’d had too much to drink after resigning my job yesterday)! and I sounded weird and deep. Just to clarify – I yell. Too much. I’ve yelled like you describe and I’ve hated myself for it. Yet I can still be pushed to the edge and yell like that again.
    Kathy recently posted…That floating feelingMy Profile

    • Robyna says:

      Oh is the resignation cause for celebration? I never think anyone sounds weird when expressing their thoughts and emotions — part of what I LOVE about blog land. I agree – I know it’s not great but I certainly couldn’t commit to never doing it again.

  18. Seana says:

    Hello, oh dear yes… it’s a big issue isn’t it? The yelling: the guilt. You say 90% of the time you can do it without the yells… but I bet it’s actually 99% of the time, and the yelling is that 1%.

    I really, really work hard at not yelling… it gets more important as kids get older, so vital to be dispassionate and calm when dealing with large teenagers… because they are not calm and you can’t have two people out of control.

    I’ve had to give up the hopes of tidy house, great work , brilliant marriage and a creative life!!! Healthy lifestyle helps with the staying calm though.

    • Robyna says:

      You are probably right – it’s more like 1% of the time. I don’t want my kids to grow up yell-y so I am very conscious of trying to set a better example.

  19. Dani @ sand has no home says:

    “And even though I am completely aware of what I am doing, the tiger escapes.”. This is so me. I haven’t read the other comments, though I am sure that they are guilty too, sometimes. For me it was yesterday and at my autistic 4 year old, who had just thrown my iPad across the room and the screen had smashed.
    I lost my shit. I yelled at him how naughty he was, that he he was never, ever touching my iPad again. Like you, I knew I was wrong even as I said it but I kept saying this stuff until I had to walk away to calm down. Because you might read that sentence about his actions and say that yes he was naughty, but the thing is that he’s not. He didn’t throw it to provoke me. He threw it because he was frustrated and he has started a heavy new medication this week that has thrown his regulation strategies out the window. He wasn’t being naughty. He has never been naughty a day in his life.
    He can’t talk in sentences but he echoes what you say sometimes, it’s called echolalia, and guess what word he kept saying?
    Anyway, I was talking it over with his occupational therapist today and she said that parents are just like their children, in that they are like cups that need to be filled to a certain level and we we are less tolerant, less able to deal when we are sleep deprived or dealing with different things. Wow, such a long story, just to say that i get it x

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