The confidence bank

This post is a bit different. Still about style but the innate style that comes with confidence. And how to retain that confidence when it takes a beating.

confidence bank

Some people say the most beautiful thing a woman can wear is her smile. I’ll disagree and say it’s confidence. When I look at the women I admire, whose style I love, the common theme is confidence. They are different ages and sizes. They have wildly different aesthetics. But they are tied by comfort in their own skin and a kindness to themselves and others.

Confidence is a strange and shifting thing. I often think mine feels solid. Until something challenges it and the fragility is revealed. Suddenly what I thought had strong foundations is a straw house.

I actually had a different post planned for today. Something silly and flippant. I started drafting on the couch, snuggled into hubby, phone in hand and one eye on Survivor. I read what I had wrote to my husband, trying to gauge if my perspective was realistic. Apparently it wasn’t. Apparently I had been embarrassing. And all the confidence suddenly ebbed away.

I put the phone down. All desire to write had been drained away and replaced with doubt. Boring, limiting, useless, uninspiring doubt. I’m quite sure it wasn’t my husband’s intention. But this small thing had a big impact.

Why does it take the littlest things to bring us down and so much to build us up? How can strong positivity be so easily destroyed with careless, even unintentional, words?

Confidence seems to rely on a kind of bank. You store it up, deposit the things that lift you up. And then when the negative inevitable comes, you withdraw against what you have in reserve.

It takes vigilance and self-care to keep the confidence account topped up. Achievements need to be recognised. Compliments need be taken to heart and freely given. Kindness needs to be exercised in all directions and particularly towards self.

And of course, stealing someone else’s confidence by undermining them depletes your own reserves. Building others up, on the other hand, is a good investment strategy. I wish all women knew this, recognised it and live by it. Actually, I wish everyone knew this.

There have been some ugly comments on social media recently. Directed towards women I consider friends and role models. I really hope their confidence banks overflowed in resistance to the unnecessary hate.

Being careful with our words is important. Being mindful of our impact on people is important. Not being an a#@%hole (which seems fairly easy to avoid) is important. Building each other up is important. Building ourselves up is important.

I don’t think my husband realised he’d chipped at my confidence that evening. He just gave an opinion when asked and, in that way that seems particularly male, didn’t consider my vulnerability in his answer.

But we are all vulnerable. Even the seemingly impenetrable. Let’s keep each others back and confidence funds overflowing.

Arrow 2

Do you rely on “banking” confidence?
What are your thoughts about the whole thing?

24 thoughts on “The confidence bank

  1. Aleney de Winter says:

    I love this. Especially this “stealing someone else’s confidence by undermining them depletes your own reserves. Building others up, on the other hand, is a good investment strategy”. Words to live by. xx

  2. Jess says:

    Great post, I love your point about vigilance and self care to keep the confidence bank topped up! It doesn’t take much to knock someone’s confidence down, but it takes purposeful effort and self talk to build yourself back up.

    • Robyna says:

      I think it’s so important that we pause and reflect on that good things. Maybe dwell even half as long on them as we do the negative and see where that gets us.

  3. Sandra Kelly says:

    Robyna this would have to be the most beautiful thing to happen to the internet in quite a while. I hope you wear these words in your beautiful smile all day today. Written with such dignity and grace. Such a privilege to read. Xx

    • Robyna says:

      I’m exactly the same – always focussing on something negative someone has said rather than being mindful of all the positive. I think it’s a hard but important habit to try and break.

  4. Shari from GoodFoodWeek says:

    And I feel like our emotional state also plays a part in our confidence level. A week out from giving birth, my husband made a joke and I completely took it to heart in my emotional state… I’m all for building each other up – a rising tide, floats all boats. #womensupportingwomen

    • Robyna says:

      Oh YES definitely. If we are feeling fragile it doesn’t take much to push us over the edge. And you never know when anyone is in that state, so I always tread with caution. Husbands, I notice, don’t.

  5. Sarah @sarahdipity says:

    It’s funny how we can be given a million compliments yet all we’ll focus on or remember is one negative comment. I’m with you Robyna, let’s build each other up and be careful with our words x

  6. Bron says:

    Beautiful and timely post for me. I’m kind of glad your hubby didn’t like the first post because this was so wonderful to read! You have a knack for writing the right thing at the right time. Xo

  7. Nikki Parkinson says:

    Awesome post, Robyna. I think men can be so solution-based/black and white that they forget the feeling behind that solution/answer. Confidence is as elusive as balance I think (for women). I don’t know anyone that has both bases covered but I think trying our best for both is a good way to be. Sadly people will bring you down – throwing their own issues at you. We’re all human and despite wanting to believe we’re coated in teflon, we’re not.

    • Robyna says:

      I think you are quite right about men and not considering feelings behind black and white answers – has happened a little bit around here lately. I definitely think confidence is something we need to help each other out with.

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