A change in direction: the Book

For the first time in a long time, I didn’t publish a style post last Saturday. The world kept on her axis. No plagues fell from the sky. Even I wasn’t too bothered.

I have a notebook full of ideas. Enough content to keep me writing pithy little posts about style for ages. But last week didn’t have enough space to steal. Actually, that’s a lie. There is always time somewhere. Books that didn’t have to be read. Social media scrolling that could have been cut short. Mornings that could have started earlier.

On Monday the littlest and I escaped to the beach. It felt exactly like that – a sneaky escape – something a little bit naughty about it. An unexpected pause in a busy life.

This blog offers that kind of escape as well. A place of rest.

But lately I have been feeling restless. Is this the best place for my writing? Is this still home?

For a long time I have wanted to write a book about grief. Something to help others through what we went through five years ago – the death of a newborn baby. Specifically the first year of grief and ideas on creative healing. I have been kidding myself that I can blog regularly (two posts a week) and also write the book.

The book remains unwritten. The posts are settled nicely into routine.

If this book is ever to emerge, I am going to have to introduce a new routine.

Change is always scary. I know how to punch out a blog post. It is familiar and cosy. I don’t know how to write a book. Don’t know what lies in those fields.

I am fearful. Fearful that I will be paralysed by emotion as I start to recount something that picks at scar tissue. Worried that those feelings are now so distant that I won’t be able to truly capture them. Petrified that I won’t do my dear Xavier justice. I have always been concerned by that, whenever I do something for him. It has to be so beatifically perfect. Radiating with love and grace. These small windows in which I can still be his mother deserve nothing less.

What if the words are awkward? If they fail to convey what I want them to? What if I can no longer reach him?

These are the things that are keeping me away from something I really want to do. That and time.

So I am going to remove the time barrier. The few hours I sneak on Saturday mornings to write two blog posts will instead be given to the book. To my boy.

I’ll write occasionally about how I am going – I think that’s a good way to remain accountable. But, for a little while at least, I’ll stop posting regularly.

One barrier down. Several more to battle.

Do you ever feel like you have to let go of something you love doing to make way for something else?

 

Linking up with Kylie Purtell – Capturing Life and IBOT

 

37 thoughts on “A change in direction: the Book

  1. Vanessa says:

    I recently let go of my other blog, so yep, I totally get it! And also to create time for a book 🙂 I have a lot of raw words & a stack of research waiting to be read… and now I’m back on track I can start to consider that in my plans/time.
    Vanessa recently posted…10 Free Stock Photo WebsitesMy Profile

  2. Sammie @ The Annoyed Thyroid says:

    I know you will do your boy justice and yes, I think that letting go is necessary so that it can make way for something new. I was listening to The Minimalists yesterday and he was talking about how he was gripped by fear when he wrote his first book. He asked an esteemed (and prolific) author how he did it and his answer was, “just sit in the chair. Just. Sit. In. The. Chair.” That book isn’t just some notes in a notebook, it’s inside you and I can’t wait for you to let it out.
    Sammie @ The Annoyed Thyroid recently posted…20 Places and Things to Eat and Drink in TorontoMy Profile

  3. Bron says:

    Sounds like the time has come for you to take on the challenge. Well done making this big descision. I’m sure it will be healing for you and your readers. Well done. Xoxox

  4. Mummalove says:

    I totally know where you’re coming from. After our session a few months ago, I actually started getting up to do some early morning writing, so thank you for the inspiration. You will find the right words, I have no doubt. Take the time you need to be with Xavier and your story. Much love x
    Mummalove recently posted…Finding Slivers of Light in GriefMy Profile

  5. Deborah says:

    Yes! I quit my personal blogging and was supposed to cut back on my book reviewing earlier this year so I could focus on other writing. And yet I did nothing. It’s a huge regret for me and something I’m still trying to work on. I’m not sure what’s stopping me!

  6. Sarah @sarahdipity says:

    Robyna, I did this myself earlier this year; took the pressure off, slowed down on posting regularly in order to devote time to other things (one being also writing my book). I think this is awesome. I know this is something you have wanted to do for a very long time and it won’t be easy but it will be so rewarding. Good on you xx

  7. Michaela Fox says:

    Robyna, I just know this is the right direction for you. Yes, change is scary, and this book will not be easy to write, but “feel” the fear and do it anyway. Is that the name of a book? I feel like it might be. Go for it, and good luck xx

  8. Mica says:

    Good luck with your book! When I was writing my book earlier in the year I started cutting back on a lot of the bloggy things I did. I still got posts out, but they weren’t as long winded as they usually are and I read other blogs less. My book was just a style book too so wasn’t as involved as yours will be. It’s beautiful you’ll be able to share your story and help others deal with their grief.

    Completely understandable you’d blog less through it – it will take a lot of time and energy to write about something so emotional. I hope you find writing it a peaceful process, and you produce something you’re really proud of. I’m sure you will.
    Mica recently posted…Shift Dresses In Winter With Boots, Scarves and Cross Body BagsMy Profile

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