It was the coughing that brought me back from the edge of a dream. “Hush, hush little one,” I said softly. Selfishly wishing my two year old back to sleep so that I could return to my own.
But the coughs didn’t subside. They became hoarser and louder. And then I heard the panic in my baby boy’s cries as he struggled to catch his breath between dry coughs.
We were camping over the Australia Day weekend. My mind reeled back to earlier that day. We had been swimming in the lake, stained brown by tea-tree leaves. The colour of a strong black brew. The kids had been playing on inflatables and body-boards. The toddler’s board had tipped and for two horrifying seconds he went under the water. My husband scooped him up in one fluid motion. Before I even registered what had happened, he had our son in his arms. Slightly stunned but otherwise fine. My boy didn’t even cough.
But I couldn’t help wonder if this was some kind of secondary drowning.
Our friend came out of her camper-van, woken by the barking coughs. She suggested it was croup, her own children having suffered from it. The coughs weren’t subsisding and our panic was rising. We decided to head to the local ER.
I sat on the back seat of the car with my youngest child, hand on his chest, willing it to fall and rise. Wishing the coughing would stop. Terrified when it did. My ear close to his face so that I could catch his raspy breath.
We arrived at the ER and hesitated for a moment. We had only ever been to an ER once. We did not leave with our son. Our middle child’s last day on earth was spent within the walls of the ER and NICU. Of course this story would end differently but our heart and foot steps dragged as we buzzed for entry.
We were ushered into the room quickly. The nurse diagnosed croup straight away and prepared the steroid injection. The doctor come over and quickly dismissed the possibility of secondary drowning. Relief — we would leave with our baby boy.
In the four-bed ER we were in the company of an older family, the father having fallen off something and broken his ribs. An accident that may have been fuelled by too much Australia Day merriment. The questions the tween aged boys asked indicated it wasn’t the first time Dad had done this. It distracted us from where we were.
We caught each other’s eye and grasped each other’s hands but niether of us admitted how hard it was to be there. Amongst the flashing lights, too white beds and life-saving apparatus. How many memories came flashing back? The distance the years had placed between ourselves and unthinkable tragedy shrank in a matter of seconds.
We held our youngest son between us, his breathing returning to normal. We were desperate to be discharged. Away from a place that reminded of us our worst nightmare.
Eventually the cheery nurse gave us a second dose of steroids to administer the next day and bid us good night. I sat in the back of the car again, my baby boy fast asleep and breathing normally. My own racing heart returning to its normal rhythm.
I fell into bed. But when I look around my husband wasn’t there.
He was on the floor, beside our toddler’s stretcher bed. It was impossible to sleep there and I beckon him back to bed. He shook his head. He held our sleeping son’s hand tight and whispered “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”
Oh how terrifying xx We’ve had a few trips to the ER with croup but with none of the memories you had to battle to get through the door x
Bec @ Seeing the Lighter Side recently posted…3 charities that simply shouldn’t exist
I am hoping we won’t have to go back any time soon.
I should not read these at work. Glad big time glad everything was ok. Scary and also unimaginable.
Thanks Mon – I should put a tear warning on the more vulnerable posts.
Croup is terrifying, I’ve been in ER with my son a few times with croup. But the shadow of your experience would have made it all the more terrifying. I hope writing it out helped you process it all. xx
Collette recently posted…Here’s How to Banish FoMO from Your Life
It really did – the words had been playing in mind since Australia day.
Scary. I’m so glad it was quickly diagnosed.
Vanessa recently posted…A Morning With…
Me too. The nurses must see so many cases, they probably had the steroids prepared the moment we walked through the door.
Your words (and experiences) had tears pricking at my eyes. The final sentence was just too much. This is great writing, even harder to accomplish as it’s born from real life experience. #iBot
Thanks Jo – sometimes it just helps to write these things out.
GAH. I can’t leave a better comment because I can barely see what I’m typing. All the tears. Beautifully told, but GAH. You poor things. How terrifying. Glad this story ends well. x
#teamIBOT
Emily recently posted…Practical Perfection – Kelly Exeter (book review and GIVEAWAY)
Thanks Em. Writing helps and allows me to process how grief touches so many things.
Oh Bean, firsts are so hard.
No words. xx
Cooker and a Looker recently posted…blender banana bread
This was an exceptionally hard first. Even after so many years.
Very scary when your precious little ones need a hospital visit. When or eldest was 1yr old she had croup and we were petrified. Makes me cry even now
Just an awful, awful experience isn’t it?
Oh dear, you had me in tears. I’ve had several night trips to the ER with my oldest girl whose every cold went straight to her chest and had her struggling for breath. Once, an unobservant triage nurse had us waiting for so long that my daughter’s breathing started to be seriously compromised and I had to shout and yell to get seen. We were apologized to by the doctors for the nurse’s failure to prioritise her as she should have done that time round, but it didn’t lessen the panic I had felt at the time.
I’m so sorry to hear of your past tragedy. No wonder hospitals hold conflicting feelings for you. Thank goodness that we do have ERs and good medicine today to help with so many of our babies’ illnesses. Small comfort, I know.
Found you on #IBOT and glad I did. What a great style you have, great blog!
I am so glad you came and visited. It’s the worst when you have to advocate for your child due to medical staff not paying attention.
My goodness, I bet terrifying doesn’t even begin to describe. Big love to you xxx
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me recently posted…What I did the day before I left Las Vegas
It was pretty horrific. Thanks for the love, lovely.
My son has had a few croup episodes and we’ve ended up in hospital, it’s so very scary and I would imagine even more so for you. Glad it all turned out ok x
It’s just awful – we never had it with our eldest.
Croup is awful, and so scary the first time. Rory’s first attack was at 3 months and we needed the ambulance. I feared for him, but there weren’t any terrible memories to fight through as well. So glad it was something simple and that you guys all got back to your holiday together and fairly quickly.
Hugs to you and N. And the boys too xx
Michelle recently posted…Depression is a LYING SCUMBAG.
It’s just such a terrifying thing — watching your baby unable to catch their breath. Thank goodness those steroids work so well and so quickly.
ER is always tough, I can’t imagine how much more difficult your experience was this time. Beautifully written, I’m holding back the tears.
It helps me to write it out.
How frightening for you, enhanced by your horrible memory. Those memories soften but never truly recede :-(.
I felt like I was right there with you, and indeed I was. We were down at my parents beach house over the Easter weekend when my 5yo awoke in the night with the same symptoms. Croup. To the ER we went, the first time for us as parents. The almost comical side to this story is that my dad had been taken to ER only an hour earlier. They really should have timed that better!! Fortunately both patients were OK. xx
Michaela Fox recently posted…How to make a Kit Kat Cake
Oh no! Glad everyone was okay in the end.
I can’t even come close to imagining how hard that must have been to walk in there again. Thankfully it was just croup making you walk through those doors. The first time my daughter had croup I rushed her to the ER thinking she had whooping cough, felt a bit silly for panicking. xx N
I doubted whether we should have gone to the ER, but the doctor assured us we did the right thing.
Oh gosh, so scary and your writing drew me right in and had the tears welling. I’m glad he was ok and I’m so sorry for the loss of you middle son, I can’t even begin to imagine it. x
Haidee@Maybe Baby Brothers recently posted…When Your Mojo is a No-Go
Thank you. It was one of those moments that reminded me we are changed forever.
Oh my …this was read with my heart in my mouth. I have never had to do the ER rush with our (now grown) kids nor have they with their kids. Croup is awful and I know that our GS was affected but fortunately the steroids helped after a visit to the doctor. Your family has suffered much. I hope no more and that all is well now and into the future. Thank you for sharing. Denyse xx
I feel like my middle son looks over and after us, and hopefully the path ahead is clearer than the one behind us.
Oh gosh. That last line got me, Robyna. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult and heartwrenching that must have been for you both. Thank God he was okay. Much love to your family xx
Renee Wilson recently posted…Diary of an emotional eater
Thank you – it was an emotional experience.
Robyna
Oh bugger it I had a huge long winded replied and managed to loose the lot! I guess that was the universe telling me that it really wasn’t necessary!
Sending you so much love firsts are hard.
kit@lifethroughthehaze recently posted…The wave …
They are. And there’s always another one, even years down the track.
Oh my Robyna, You made me want to go and wake up my baby and give her a hug, definitely shed a few tears reading this. Is parenting the hardest thing ever, or what?! Beautifully written, you have a gift x
Thank you – that’s very kind and I hope you gave her a big squishy one.
This brought a tear to my eye Robyna. I am so glad your little one is okay. Take care, much love xx
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He was fine almost instantly after they gave the steroids – modern medicine is a marvellous thing.
Heartbreaking memories for you to contend with, Robyna. Croup is awful. Had to call the ambulance when our daughter was little. So scary seeing them not able to breathe – and I remember the fear in her little eyes too.
It’s just terrifying all around. Thankfully modern medicine is so wonderful.
Oh my gosh…tears. So happy that your little one was okay but so sorry for the loss of your middle child.
Mum Of Five Girls recently posted…Family Holiday Part 1 – Melbourne
Thank you – it’s a hard road and it’s much easier than it was years ago, but there are still so many triggers.