For the first time in a long time, I didn’t publish a style post last Saturday. The world kept on her axis. No plagues fell from the sky. Even I wasn’t too bothered.
I have a notebook full of ideas. Enough content to keep me writing pithy little posts about style for ages. But last week didn’t have enough space to steal. Actually, that’s a lie. There is always time somewhere. Books that didn’t have to be read. Social media scrolling that could have been cut short. Mornings that could have started earlier.
On Monday the littlest and I escaped to the beach. It felt exactly like that – a sneaky escape – something a little bit naughty about it. An unexpected pause in a busy life.
This blog offers that kind of escape as well. A place of rest.
But lately I have been feeling restless. Is this the best place for my writing? Is this still home?
For a long time I have wanted to write a book about grief. Something to help others through what we went through five years ago – the death of a newborn baby. Specifically the first year of grief and ideas on creative healing. I have been kidding myself that I can blog regularly (two posts a week) and also write the book.
The book remains unwritten. The posts are settled nicely into routine.
If this book is ever to emerge, I am going to have to introduce a new routine.
Change is always scary. I know how to punch out a blog post. It is familiar and cosy. I don’t know how to write a book. Don’t know what lies in those fields.
I am fearful. Fearful that I will be paralysed by emotion as I start to recount something that picks at scar tissue. Worried that those feelings are now so distant that I won’t be able to truly capture them. Petrified that I won’t do my dear Xavier justice. I have always been concerned by that, whenever I do something for him. It has to be so beatifically perfect. Radiating with love and grace. These small windows in which I can still be his mother deserve nothing less.
What if the words are awkward? If they fail to convey what I want them to? What if I can no longer reach him?
These are the things that are keeping me away from something I really want to do. That and time.
So I am going to remove the time barrier. The few hours I sneak on Saturday mornings to write two blog posts will instead be given to the book. To my boy.
I’ll write occasionally about how I am going – I think that’s a good way to remain accountable. But, for a little while at least, I’ll stop posting regularly.
One barrier down. Several more to battle.
Do you ever feel like you have to let go of something you love doing to make way for something else?
Linking up with Kylie Purtell – Capturing Life and IBOT
I recently let go of my other blog, so yep, I totally get it! And also to create time for a book 🙂 I have a lot of raw words & a stack of research waiting to be read… and now I’m back on track I can start to consider that in my plans/time.
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I think it’s always hard to stop the inertia and pivot. Good on us for trying to do so.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
You will definitely do your precious boy justice, your way with words is outstanding – excited for you! xxx
Thanks Em. You’re very kind.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
Your words are always so beautiful Robyna. I think you might’ve just written Chapter One xox
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I feel like I’ve written enough to collate into a book already but the collation seems very daunting.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
I’ll look forward to it. x
Thanks Bron. Me too.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
You have that book in you and it has to get out. It will be beautiful and I have no doubt that it will absolutely do Xavier justice. Lots of love to you. x
It’s definitely there.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
I know you will do your boy justice and yes, I think that letting go is necessary so that it can make way for something new. I was listening to The Minimalists yesterday and he was talking about how he was gripped by fear when he wrote his first book. He asked an esteemed (and prolific) author how he did it and his answer was, “just sit in the chair. Just. Sit. In. The. Chair.” That book isn’t just some notes in a notebook, it’s inside you and I can’t wait for you to let it out.
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Yep. Just need to sit in the chair.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
Sounds like the time has come for you to take on the challenge. Well done making this big descision. I’m sure it will be healing for you and your readers. Well done. Xoxox
Thanks. Now that I’ve told you all, I’d better do it.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
I can’t wait to read it Bean!
A xx
I totally know where you’re coming from. After our session a few months ago, I actually started getting up to do some early morning writing, so thank you for the inspiration. You will find the right words, I have no doubt. Take the time you need to be with Xavier and your story. Much love x
Mummalove recently posted…Finding Slivers of Light in Grief
I’m so glad. We should definitely exchange chapters when we are ready.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
Let the words flow Robyna. The act of writing the words will counter-act and balance out all your fears. I have no doubt my friend. I’ve sent you an email. Xx
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Thank you ( and for the email xx).
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
Yes! I quit my personal blogging and was supposed to cut back on my book reviewing earlier this year so I could focus on other writing. And yet I did nothing. It’s a huge regret for me and something I’m still trying to work on. I’m not sure what’s stopping me!
It’s a funny old barrier isn’t it? I’m going to put together a project plan and stick to it. I’ll pretend it’s a work project.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
Such an important topic that will help so many who read it no doubt! All the best with the writing!
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Thank you xx
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
Good luck with the book. I will keep an eye out for your updates. I am sure you’ll help many xx
Thanks. I think I will diarise how I go and publish those occasionally.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
Good for you, lovely. It sounds as though this is something you need to do. I have no doubt you will do Xavier justice xx
I think it is.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
Sometimes the timing has to be right, enough space gjven. I can’t wait to read your book, your words are always beautiful.
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Thank you lovely. I think the time is right.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
What a brave and important thing to do, to share the story of your son with the world and honour his memory in this way xx
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Thank you – it feels important.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
Robyna, I did this myself earlier this year; took the pressure off, slowed down on posting regularly in order to devote time to other things (one being also writing my book). I think this is awesome. I know this is something you have wanted to do for a very long time and it won’t be easy but it will be so rewarding. Good on you xx
I think change is always a bit scary but then nothing happens without it. Looking forward to hearing more about your book.
Robyna May recently posted…A change in direction: the Book
Robyna, I just know this is the right direction for you. Yes, change is scary, and this book will not be easy to write, but “feel” the fear and do it anyway. Is that the name of a book? I feel like it might be. Go for it, and good luck xx
I think it might be – one I should read in any case!
Such a touching post. I am glad that you are giving yourself the time and the ‘right space’ to write when you are ready. But, putting it out here has given you lots of moral support..so go for it. Denyse xx
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yes, I think I will continue to touch base in order to feel that tide of support – I am so grateful for it.
Robyna, congratulations on deciding to take the plunge, follow your heart and share your experiences about the most difficult time in your life in a book. I know you will do your beautiful Xavier proud. Jenni xxx
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Thank you so much Jenni – I hope I will.
Good luck with your book! When I was writing my book earlier in the year I started cutting back on a lot of the bloggy things I did. I still got posts out, but they weren’t as long winded as they usually are and I read other blogs less. My book was just a style book too so wasn’t as involved as yours will be. It’s beautiful you’ll be able to share your story and help others deal with their grief.
Completely understandable you’d blog less through it – it will take a lot of time and energy to write about something so emotional. I hope you find writing it a peaceful process, and you produce something you’re really proud of. I’m sure you will.
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I hope so – I just need to hold fast to the time that I have claimed for it.
You are going to write an amazing book Robs you will do your little man justice and it will help so many. Sending you lots of love.
Thank you – Everyone’s support means a great deal
So pleased you have decided to honour you darling son, your writing skills and all the women who will read your book to take the time & space to write it Robyn. I’m sure you will do Xavier justice in the most wonderful of ways. Good luck!
Thank you – I hope so.