This is how weekly grocery shopping happens in our house …
>> Check that the nappy bag is fully stocked. Pack toys to distract baby E. Pack 4 Milk Arrowroot biscuits as bribery for reasonable behaviour. Hope it’s enough. Going shopping partially as need more Milk Arrowroot biscuits.
>> Must remember to remove pram from back of car to make way for grocery bags. Must remember to pack green bags. Remember. Remember. Remember.
>> Realise as we are nearly at shopping centre that the pram is in the back seat and that the green bags are not.
>> Baby E starts to fall asleep. Ask Master I to keep him awake. Does so by pinging small ball against Baby E’s forehead. Don’t do that to your brother! Baby E thinks it’s hilarious.
>> Find trolley with minimal wobble in the wheels. Get Baby E into the trolley seat. Baby E loses it. Placate with Milk Arrowroot.
>>Milk Arrowroot count: down to 3.<<
>> Master I wants to use a little trolley. Who made the little trolley? Clearly not someone with a small child. Or ankles. Go through the trolley rules with Master I – no running, keep in control, watch for people. Rules seem to be understood. Go to counter. No little trolleys available. Lower lip drops. Placate with Milk Arrowroot.
>>Milk Arrowroot count: Down to 2.<<
>> Master I hops into main part of big trolley. You know those pictures on the trolley that demonstrate the way your child should NOT be placed in a trolley? Exactly like that.
>> Try to distract baby E with toy. Baby E does not want toy. Baby E wants the shopping list. Try to read shopping list whilst crumpled in Baby E’s hand.
>> Ask Master I to compare the per unit prices of two bags of rice which are different sizes, different prices, different brands. He reads the per unit price and correctly chooses the cheaper one. Glance around to see if anyone has noticed this clearly SPECTACULAR display of parenting.
>> We are half way through the shop. Homeward stretch.
>> Milk Arrowroot count: still at 2. <<
>> Master I says Mummy, I need to go to the toilet. Investigate urgency of situation. Situation critical. Take half-full trolley to the service desk. The lovely lady knows exactly what we are about to ask. She’s seen that look before. Take baby E out of trolley seat and head to the toilets. Mummy, I don’t want to go the girls toilet, I want to go the boys toilet. Not happening Buddy. I try to find a toilet that isn’t blocked and gross. “They’ll need a Toronto plumbing company in to sort that out,” I think to myself. Toilet stop done, return to store and retrieve our half-completed shopping. Place baby E back into trolley. Milk Arrowroot needed. Baby E throws Milk Arrowroot onto floor. Pick up. Place in handbag and remind self to throw it out. Vaguely aware that I will, sometime in the near future, find a crushed biscuit in my bag.
>>Milk Arrowroot count: Down to 1.<<
>> Little trolleys are now available. Get one for Master I. Repeat rules. Rules disregarded within first two minutes of trolley driving. Return little trolley.
>> Try to negotiate aisles so that we will miss the toy section. Master I having none of it. We go to the toy section. Master I does not want to buy a toy, he just wants to look at it. Spend some time looking. LONGINGLY.
>> Finally arrive at counter to unload and pay for our groceries.
>> Pay. Master I insists that he waves the credit card over the Pay Pass machine. Slightly concerned that he knows how to do this.
>> Unpack groceries into car, staggering them around the pram. Decide to check shopping list. Realise that this is something I should have done prior to this point. Also realise that we have forgotten nappies. Bugger. Bugger. BUGGER.
Next time, I am buying groceries online.
PS Despite the fact it may look like it, this post was in no way endorsed by Milk Arrowroot biscuits.