Five Light Years Ago

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Somewhere, in an alternate reality, a universe parallel to my own, there is a mother preparing for a fifth birthday party. Her son is unwrapping presents and playing with new things. An older brother edging his way in, trying to sneak first plays that don’t belong to him. Perhaps there would be a younger brother, very close in age, helping unwrap. But he shimmers in this imagined reality – I am not quite sure he would be there.

This is not my reality. My reality is that my son was born five years ago and died two weeks later. My reality is his two brothers, older and younger, playing quietly upstairs while their mummy writes out her grief.  Read more…

The terrible weight of June

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the terrible weight of June - Grief
I have been waiting for it. The heavy weight of June to fall. The pendulum to swing in favour of grief. It held out. Took it’s time with the swing. I thought maybe I’d even escaped it this year. That my son’s fourth birthday would pass with a melancholy kind of joy rather than re-exposing the scar of grief. Weeping and raw. Four years since he was born. Nearly four years since he died. Taken at merely two weeks old. And everything rushing back.

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Invisible Mothers & Warriors

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Mothers day is fast approaching. A day to be filled with burnt toast, sticky kisses and hand-drawn cards. A day to let my own mother and grandmother know how much I love them. A day for hearts bursting and hearts aching. My middle son will be in my thoughts more often than he usually is. He always will be on days like this.

invisible motherhood

My head and my heart will will be full of him but I will be thinking about other women too. On days like this I always do.   Read more…

The Emergency Room

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the emergency room

It was the coughing that brought me back from the edge of a dream. “Hush, hush little one,” I said softly. Selfishly wishing my two year old back to sleep so that I could return to my own.

But the coughs didn’t subside. They became hoarser and louder.  And then I heard the panic in my baby boy’s cries as he struggled to catch his breath between dry coughs.  Read more…

The healing power of creativity

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Healing through creativityYesterday marked three years since I last held my middle son, Xavier. He died when he was very young, only two weeks old. Three years. An impossible distance between my son and myself. There are rituals around this time of year. Things that I do to remember him, things to mark the hardest days of the year. His birthday. His anniversary. The memory days in between. Most of them revolve around crafting things for him. I firmly believe in the healing power of creativity and it’s ability to connect us to memory and loved ones lost.

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June/July School Holiday Planner & a bit about my June/July

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Playing Child - June July HolidaysSchool holidays are just around the corner and I thought I’d share the June/July school holiday planner I just put together. It’s at the bottom of this post. I think it’s always nice to have a bit of a plan and also to make sure there are a few down-time days included. Yes, I am trying to get better at down-time days.  Better at just allowing the small moments to come to me, rather than scheduling all the minutes. Read more…